I live in a three bedroom home with AC, heat, stainless steel appliances, a loft, a dog, a backyard with a deck, a fancy grill, a flat screen, a laptop, two beds and an extra air mattress, three closets packed full of clothing, and stuff that fills the rest of our home. How is it, then, that I am not fulfilled? I still think that I need more clothing, more wall décor, more food, & more games. I am SO thankful for these things and for the amazing husband that has provided us with a home.
But this isn’t an issue of not lacking or lacking stuff.
This is a heart issue. My heart issue.
And God has and is doing a big work inside of me and it hurts.
I’ve lived on this earth for 21 years and five months. In all of my 21 years and five months, I have never gone hungry. I have never went without. And yet, I am not content. I find myself wanting more. Because of sin, I have grown up thinking that this urge for something more was meant to be filled with worldly things (even good things) when really that urge inside of all of us was put there by God. He is the only that can fill that void, please that urge, make us complete, & give us true joy. I don’t want to go my entire life trying to find fulfillment in things other than God. I’m ready to call it like it is. I’m selfish.
My home isn’t on this earth. But, I sure have been living like it is. And I have been laying up treasures that rust in an instant.
You may be thinking, of course your home is on earth. Where else would it be? But you see, my Father, God, says that His children are just pilgrims passing through. Our home, the place where Christ-followers belong, is in heaven with Him. We, I, have been placed on earth to love and to show others The Way.
But something has gotten in the way. Sin, of course. But sin in the form of neglecting our purpose and neglecting the truth.
For as many years as I could remember, I have been living on this earth like it is my permanent home. Like this is where I will live forever. I have given into the lie from the enemy that it is my purpose to indulge, satisfy my every desire, get as much as makes me happy, & entertain myself. Like my pastor who just returned from a mission trip in a third world country, we have been blinded.
I have dug into scripture only to fish out what sounds best to me. Like how God wants me to eat, drink, & be merry. I have neglected every breath of Jesus as He pleads for us to take up our cross, only thinking about it and putting it on my bumper sticker, never actually living it out. To Suffer, love, lose, glorify, lay down, and to die. To die to the self, the flesh that we are living in so that His Spirit can freely flow through our veins. He calls us to die to self so that we can truly live through Him. Our sole purpose, our only purpose on this earth is to glorify God.
We know this truth so why are we doing things and striving for things that pump up our fleshly veins, only burying deep and neglecting the supernatural Spirit of God inside of us?
“Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.” James 4:17
I have been living selfishly. I have been learning the good that I ought to do since the Sunday School days yet I do not do it. I have been living in sin disguised with the masks of success, happiness, & entertainment. I am fearful, weak, and unable. And I wonder how all these things can be if I am a believer. I am realizing that I have been starving my soul. I have been feeding it fake food. It’s like giving an infant mountain dew and cigarettes and wondering why she isn’t growing properly. I have been feeding it worldly slop and wondering why God & home feel so far away.
For the past few weeks, I have had a feeling of homesickness. This feeling has been growing as my husband and I dig more into scripture, specifically the book of James. We read about orphans and widows and counting it JOY when we fall into all sorts of trials and problems. That homesick feeling grew when we ordered our plane tickets to Haiti. It grew as I watched videos and gazed at faces of the people of Nepal. It grows as I think about how I have lived my life these past 21 years.
Selfish and comfortable.
But God has great plans. He will not leave us in this mess as long as we call it for what it is & repent. I am begging God to change me.
These past weeks, I have become sick to my selfish living and so drawn to the life that Christ lived. Selfless, humble, lacking all material possessions yet possessing EVERYTHING. Because to Him, God was and is His life. And I can say that I love God but until I snap out of this selfish, comfortable, controlling, prideful, worldly, cowardly way of living, I will never be as close to Him as is possible. God has been slowly chipping away at the scales over my eyes and what I see is the need for the Gospel.
And it’s wrecking me.